- Make appointment.
- Cancel.
- Make second appointment.
- Cancel.
- Remember two people you love who died of colorectal cancer.
- Make third appointment and learn about new FDA-approved prep (no nasty liquid…just a tiny bottle of easy-to-swallow pills).
- TWO WEEKS BEFORE PROCEDURE: resent everyone who does not have a scheduled colonoscopy and curse their offspring.
- FOUR DAYS BEFORE PROCEDURE: eat small, low-fiber meals and lose sleep worrying you’ll die under anesthesia.
- Consider canceling (do NOT cancel).
- DAY BEFORE PROCEDURE: consume only clear liquids as directed BUT ALSO YOU CAN EAT NON-RED GUMMY BEARS (this is literally the best kept secret in medicine).
- Research Hans Riegel, inventor of gummy bears, and ask God to bless his offspring.
- EVENING BEFORE PROCEDURE: swallow definitely-increasing-in-size pills and watch movie on Netflix. Send significant other to another floor…ideally in a neighboring state.
- Try sleeping.
- Never mind.
- MORNING OF PROCEDURE: Google “percentage of healthy people who die under anesthesia” and make your significant other PROMISE to tell people you died donating a kidney.
- Have someone drive you to the appointment (this is non-negotiable).
- CHECK-IN: Resist the urge to punch the receptionist square in the jaw when she asks if you have a living will.
- Fall asleep/wake up (honestly, that takes ONE SECOND).
- Enjoy saltines-and-ginger ale buffet with fellow anesthesia survivors.
- Walk out of the office the g-damn hero you are.
- Repeat every 10 years or as needed.
