Friday, February 10, 2023

How To Survive a Colonoscopy in 21 Easy Steps


  1. Make appointment. 
  2. Cancel. 
  3. Make second appointment. 
  4. Cancel. 
  5. Remember two people you love who died of colorectal cancer. 
  6. Make third appointment and learn about new FDA-approved prep (no nasty liquid…just a tiny bottle of easy-to-swallow pills). 
  7. TWO WEEKS BEFORE PROCEDURE: resent everyone who does not have a scheduled colonoscopy and curse their offspring. 
  8. FOUR DAYS BEFORE PROCEDURE: eat small, low-fiber meals and lose sleep worrying you’ll die under anesthesia. 
  9. Consider canceling (do NOT cancel). 
  10. DAY BEFORE PROCEDURE: consume only clear liquids as directed BUT ALSO YOU CAN EAT NON-RED GUMMY BEARS (this is literally the best kept secret in medicine). 
  11. Research Hans Riegel, inventor of gummy bears, and ask God to bless his offspring.
  12. EVENING BEFORE PROCEDURE: swallow definitely-increasing-in-size pills and watch movie on Netflix. Send significant other to another floor…ideally in a neighboring state. 
  13. Try sleeping. 
  14. Never mind. 
  15. MORNING OF PROCEDURE: Google “percentage of healthy people who die under anesthesia” and make your significant other PROMISE to tell people you died donating a kidney. 
  16. Have someone drive you to the appointment (this is non-negotiable). 
  17. CHECK-IN: Resist the urge to punch the receptionist square in the jaw when she asks if you have a living will.  
  18. Fall asleep/wake up (honestly, that takes ONE SECOND). 
  19. Enjoy saltines-and-ginger ale buffet with fellow anesthesia survivors. 
  20. Walk out of the office the g-damn hero you are. 
  21. Repeat every 10 years or as needed.